Reclaiming 12 Hours of Life

I want to become an archeologist of my heart. I want to examine all of its folds and crevices, unearthing resentments, discovering their antidotes. I want to make them disappear into the ethers only to be recycled as pure joy.

OK. That’s the dream. Here is what it looked like today.

The Kvetch: I awoke at 5:15 a.m. in order to make my 6:00 a.m. teleconference. The good news about these early morning meetings is that I can attend in my pj’s. The bad news? I am not much of a morning person. I was struck with that familiar burning in my stomach. It had been absent for ten full days; ten workless days of getting familiar with my couch, reading books, watching movies, getting caught up with family and friends – it was bliss. Next came waves of an intense desire to cry. I think I was just sad to be leaving the cocoon. Then I remembered The Experiment. I can’t be doing this. I can’t be having a meltdown on the first day, and THAT felt like pressure. Crap. What did I get myself into? I logged on to work. The pace was the usual, 30 e-mails awaiting immediate response, IM blinking, teleconference happening.

I have unearthed a resentment. It’s having to get up at 5:15 a.m., when you would really rather sleep until 6:30; it’s having to attend evening meetings when you would really rather have a quiet dinner at home and read a book or garden or go to a movie; it’s finding yourself too tired at the end of your 12 hour day to do much of anything that might actually be good for you – like exercising for example. I have been anesthetizing my frustrations with a cocktail, and then collapsing into bed way too many nights. Good grief! I feel resentful just typing this. (Kvetching = 258 words)

Through the magic of feeling some sense of accountability (after all I was going to have to write about how I found joy today), I stepped back from the feeling and wondered how I could turn this around. What is the antidote? The few months prior to the Christmas break I was putting in a good 12-15 hours extra every week. I was gifting 12 hours of my precious, precious life to the company! I contacted my boss immediately and told him that I would be signing off for “a few” hours in the late morning every single day. I told him that I wanted to spend time exercising (or whatever), and that the time would be marked out in my calendar. His response was a single word – “good!” And over IM, in a matter of seconds, I reclaimed 12 hours of life. Twelve hours every single week, effective immediately.

I had joined an Athletic Club a few days ago, but was unable to get in to see the Personal Trainer until tomorrow. I considered for a second gifting 2 hours of precious life back to the company, especially since it was so kind as to just gift me 12 back! Somehow I knew if I didn’t take the time today, I wouldn’t take the time tomorrow, or the next day or the next. I got my butt down on the floor and did my back exercises. I stretched, I lifted, I did abs, I felt how good it felt to be moving my poor, atrophied body. And then I vacuumed my house, followed by a leisurely hot shower. And then and only then did I take my slow-moving back-side into work.

In this action of empowerment, the resentment was transformed. Or so I thought. I told a colleague of my plan to no longer work more than 40 hours a week; I justified this with some grumblings about the company taking more than they give, blah blah blah. But I caught myself. The next time I told the story it was about taking care of me and not short-changing the company. And then it truly felt transformed.

The high of transforming this resentment had me walking off the ground all smiling all day. It truly was a day of joy.

One last word about finding joy. It lurks everywhere, that joy. Last night I celebrated the dawn of ’07 by sharing a marvelous meal with dear friends, topped off with joy on a fork -- white cake with lemon curd filling and crème anglaise butter cream (and yes, it was as good as it sounds), washed down with joy in a glass -- an Oregon sparkling wine made from pinot noir and chardonnay (and that, my dear ones, is how to make a liver smile). Go forth and seek joy wherever you can find it! (Joy Story = 245 words)

Lynnie

PS Happiest of New Years to you. I have heard repeatedly that people have a sense that 2007 will be something special. I feel it too.

PPS Where in your lives are you giving away your precious life? Where are you leaking time that could be spent in a way that would move you forward?