Just Say No to Kvetching

KVETCH
Pronunciation: 'kvech, 'kfech
Etymology: Yiddish kvetshn, literally, to squeeze, pinch, from Middle High German quetschen: to complain habitually : GRIPE

The one thing I have been asked most frequently (and that would be twice) is how to stop those who come to us and repeatedly kvetch.

Many of us have the bartender syndrome. We are the ones people always come to to share what is wrong in their life. I really believe that listening to the constant barrage of complaints of others takes its toll on us, as well as them.

While I am no expert, I have been able to stop a primary kvetch partnership.

There is a friend/colleague of mine who sits across from me at work. Over the last year we have become friends. Part of that friendship has included an ongoing banter about the company’s moral decay. This banter went on all throughout the day, and often included inviting others around us to join in. I had found myself leaving work exhausted and I believe that our endless banter was part of the cause. I am the type of person who needs to find some semblance of meaning in her work, and between the cutting and pasting and the ongoing kvetch sessions, that was becoming harder and harder to do.

When I began The Joy Experiment, I knew that this kvetch partnership had to cease. It would be a critical first step in inviting more joy and meaning into my life. And yet, I also knew that I didn’t want to throw away a friendship with a man who was really a very good person. At first I tried to change the subject, I even tried to put up boundaries, but relentless kvetches are hard to dissuade. And he was relentless. Always the kvetch was the same, always he refused to shift into how he could reconcile the kvetch. So, I made it personal. I invited him to coffee and shared with him The Experiment. I told him that kvetching was taking a toll on me and that I had to change my life and do things differently. When we got back to our desks, I put a sign on my white board, “This is a Kvetch-Free Zone.”

Our conversation shifted immediately. Instead of endless kvetching, we endlessly buoy each other. We talk about philosophy and positive ideas, instead of the negative, destructive ideas that permeated our relationship before. The real payback is that our friendship has deepened, because we committed together to improving our lives at work.

Kvetching is NOT always bad. If kvetching leads to helping you define what you need, which leads you to action, which leads you to resolution, it can be a good thing. The kvetch helps you to identify the contrasts of life. It is the never-ending, repeating, circular kvetch that is absolutely non-productive. I believe that we do our fellow humans a disservice by listening to them over and over.

Listening can sometimes be a wonderful gift that helps people find resolution to something troubling them. Unless it is habitual kvetching, just listen to your friends when they come to you, don’t join in. It may be that this person just needs a sounding board. If it turns into circular kvetching, you haven't been a part of it.

The minute it starts to take a toll on you, please stop it. You are not doing anyone a favor by continuing. Make it personal, “I have been finding myself being too negative, can you help me turn that around?” or “These conversations where we complain, leave me tired and I do enjoy your company, how can we change what we talk about to be more positive?” or “How are you going to change this [thing they are kvetching about]?” or “What one step can you take today toward feeling differently about this, I am worried about you.”

Sometimes holding these conversations can be scary. Like nearly everything in life, the anticipation is much scarier than the actual act of doing it, and with practice we become better at it.

Good luck with the kvetches in your life. If you try something that works, please share.

Thanks,

Lynnie